Back again

I'm back... and you know what, I'm not going to let time between posts stop me. This was created for me to express myself and share my journey with others and that's not always going to be properly scheduled. I'm learning to be flexible and have freedom in my life to be on my terms and that's just what I am going to do :)

Here's to growth, baby steps are better than no steps at all.

This is something I've been thinking about for a while:

You know how life is often labeled a journey, a walk, or even an adventure? Well I'm beginning to realize that that's only half of it. Life is not just ONE journey, or a single adventure. It's multiple different walks or opportunities in succession, all connected but constantly changing.

When I was in high school one of the Educational Assistants, about 10 years older than me, told me something I've never forgotten. We were discussing the "soul-searching" stage that I and all my friends were going through, and she told me she's never stopped soul searching. She said that in life, you are continually in a state of discovering yourself, that you will never completely be the "finished product." I can't say I fully understood what she meant then, and I'll admit it unnerved me. I wasn't exactly excited about this confusing, conflicting stage where I wasn't sure what my purpose was or what I wanted my life to be like. I wasn't delighted, either, about the idea that it would continue to occur multiple times in my life. I just wanted to make it to when the questions were all answered and I had "found myself".

Now, years later, I think I'm finally understanding what she meant. I'm am so incredibly different from the girl I was at only 14. Sometimes I can't even believe I was her, to be honest. I'm not the same person as I was in high school, either... Thank God for that. When I look back at her, I can see how far I've come, how much more confident in myself and happy I am. I'm not even the same person as I was a year or two ago, and I'm so excited for what the future will bring!

In all this looking back and seeing where I've been and where I am now, this is when I'm truly happy for CHANGE. It's like I finally know it's not a bad thing! :) It's f*cking scary at times and I'm often tempted to run from it, but without change I would be the same sad, broken girl I was back then. I would never know confidence like I do now (mind you, I still have a long way to go... but that's the exciting part!) And without it, I would never have met so many wonderful people that influenced and inspired me, who loved me for who I was, and showed me that I'm valuable. That's something you can't replace.

So now instead of one journey where you slowly develop over time, I view life as a myriad of choices, opprotunities, and growth... and lots and lots of change. Of course, at your very core of who you are, you stay true (or should!) but it too gains new perspectives as you learn and go through life. With all the changing and growing, never betray the core of who you are! I've tried and it's painful. And you don't need to, that core is what makes you unique and a true individual. Don't fall into the need to conform, it doesn't work and there's a lot of peices to pick up afterwards, trust me. 

Anyways, all this to say that finding yourself should never be the goal... because even if you do, you won't stay that way. Instead, try to be the best version of yourself that you can and strive for true joy and confidence in who you are. That's all you can do, really. 

And that's all folks. Stay happy and healthy.

~ Camila

Thankful

Every year for Thanksgiving (both Canadian & American holidays, dual citizenship for the win!) my family goes around the table and everyone says what they're thankful for. This year I thought I'd share it on here. So here we go, 10 things I am thankful for...


1. My relationship with Jesus. Not trying to preach at anyone... but I am thankful for my faith and how it's kept me humble and loving. I wouldn't be the same without my beliefs and I am thankful for the impact they've had on my life.

2. My ever-loving and super supportive family. From my parents to my younger cousins, every single one of my family members continues to extend love and acceptance and I do not have words for how much that means to me. I am currently living with my aunt and uncle and their 3 kids and I am just so blessed to have people willing to walk my journey with me, especially with my bipolar and my transition to a balanced and medicated individual... it hasn't been easy but they continue to fight for and with me every day.

3. My best friends... JorgH, JHernandez, Ace, Twin B, and DaniM. You all have been amazing and I am thankful for true unconditional friendship, something very rare and hard to find. I love you more than you know.

4. My job. Wow, am I thankful for my job! I have incredible bosses, absolutely love what I do, I get to have a huge impact on homeschool families' educational journey, and am able to provide them with great resources for their children. It's not often you can say that you get up in the morning looking forward to going to work... I am truly blessed.

5. I am thankful for my diagnosis. I know what you're thinking "How on earth could someone be thankful for having a mental illness?"... you've got a point. I have gone some crazy stuff with my depression and bipolar and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else... but I would also not be who I am today without those experiences. My pain has brought understanding and empathy for others, something that I don't know if I'd have without my history. When someone opens up to me about their depression or anxiety, I can say honestly that I've been there and I can be there for them. I have the opportunity to be the person I needed years ago amidst the turmoil and being misunderstood. All I really needed was for someone to say "Wow, yeah I've been there... I know how it feels to wish you wouldn't wake up the next morning, I know it gets better, and I'm here for you until it does." My budding involvement with the BCSS (BC Schizophrenia Society) is a testament to the impact I can make on removing stigma and sharing my story. So yes, as hard as it's been, I am thankful for being Bipolar II and I wouldn't change a thing.

6. FOOD! Especially my (red-seal-certified Chef) dad's cooking... *sigh* Food is my fave lol

7. Music & Art. I will never get tired of listening to people pour their hearts into music or poetry, or seeing their soul on a canvas or sculpted into something amazing. I truly believe art, music, and poetry is what makes life worth living.

8. My health. Sure, my joints hurt, I could probably lose a few pounds, and right now I have a major earache and my shoulder's out of wack - but overall I am healthy and that's really something to cherish.

9. Technology. Haha, it may be a bit typical to love technology (kudos if you got the Napoleon Dynamite reference) but the ability to express myself/blog freely and share my experiences with others all over the world is such an amazing thing! The other day my dear friend from Mexico called me via Facebook Messenger and we talked for about half an hour... he's in Guadalajara and I'm here in BC and we talked as easily as if he was just on the other side of town! It's rare for us to really think about the opportunity and tools that we have at our very fingertips - Facetime, Youtube, Skype, Blogger, Shazam... there is so much out there that allows us to keep connected with others and express ourselves and I'm so privileged to have full access to it all and thankful for the long-distance friendships it helps me maintain.

10. My city. Wow, do I live in an amazing city and in amazing newly-renovated house with a cozy fireplace. I have a nice big bed and a beautiful 42" flat-screen in my room with Netflix, can't get better than that! :)

No matter what, when I've been at rock bottom or when I've felt on top of the world, what has kept me grounded has been a heart of gratitude. Whenever life gets tough, I go over this list in my head and remind myself that there will always be something to hold on to... there will always be hope~



What are you thankful for? 

Stay healthy and happy, my dears, and Happy Thanksgiving!

Much love,

Camila

Valuable & Worthy

A while back, I read an inspiring story shared from a conference... Unfortunately, I could not find the title or name of the speaker... but I thought it was worth sharing nonetheless. (Please comment if you know anything about the original!) 

The speaker started his presentation with holding up a $20 bill. In a room of 200, he asked “Who would like this $20 bill? Raise your hand.” 

As you would expect, hands started going up. He said “Okay, I am going to give one of you this $20 bill - but first, let me do this.” He crumpled the bill up and asked again “Who still wants it?” Hands went up again. Then he asked “Well, what if I do this?” and he dropped the bill on the ground and stepped on it, grinding the bill on the floor with his shoe. He picked up the crumpled and dirty bill and asked once again “Who still wants it?” The same hands went up a third time.

Then he said “My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to this $20 bill, you all still wanted it. No matter what state it was it, you all still recognized its value. No matter how crumpled or dirty it became it’s worth never decreased... it was and still is worth $20. Now how much more worthy are we as humans?

Many times in our lives we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt. Decisions that we make bring us down, circumstances that come our way can make us feel worthless, and failed relationships or heartbreak may make us think we no longer have value. We find ourselves truly believing that after all we've gone through and what we've done, we do not have the same worth we once had... but that just isn't true! Just like that crumpled and dirty $20 bill, our worth does not change and we are still valuable - no matter what happens! We are and always will be worth dying for, worth treasuring, worth being invested in and we have to surround ourselves with people that will believe in us. The people around us should be constant reminders that we are worthy of love and friendship.

You know what the best part is? YOUR inability to see your worth does not mean it's not there. I know that sometimes that hardest thing to do is look in the mirror and love what you see, whether it be your physical self or emotionally - it is not easy. I still work hard every day to acknowledge my worth, to value myself, and to treasure who I am. I've learned to allow myself to trust my loved ones when they encourage me and remind me that I'm valuable... that I'm worthy of happiness, success, and love and they aren't just saying that because they "have to". Even if you aren't feeling that worthiness in your own life or have people around you to affirm how valuable you are to them - that does not mean it's not there. I don't have to know you to value you as a human being... there's someone (many people, actually) that do value you... and you have to become one of them. 

Because:

Amen to that!

Stay healthy and happy, my dears. 

~ Camila

First Post (yay!)

Today I had the opportunity to share my experiences with depression and bipolar at the college in my city as a part of the BC Schizophrenia Society (BCSS)'s partnership program (where they have a presentation on mental illnesses, have people with mental illness share their stories, and then wrap up with a Q&A panel). And it was amazing! 

It's so great to feel this good, this capable of opening up... this confident in sharing some of the hardest things I've gone through. For years I have tried to write about my experiences with mental illness and share what I was going through but it was always so hazy. It felt nearly impossible to understand my own emotions and what I was going through and the small periods of clarity never seemed long enough to articulate this complicated storm that is my Bipolar. But now, with the medication bringing beautiful balance to my mind and emotions, I feel like I've now filled this mold of the person I've always wanted to become... not perfect, but confident and transparent, full of empathy and understanding, and able to share my shortcomings and dark moments unabashedly. I do not apologize for my bipolar, I do not accept any stigma placed on my illness and I will speak up and increase awareness as much as I can. After all, there's no way we can work on removing the stigma and discrimination of mental illness if we continue to live in this shame and fear of vulnerability! That's the great thing about being open about you or a loved one having a mental illness, the struggle and rawness of it all... it not only gives others that safe place to share their own stories and experiences, but increases society's recognition of mental illness as a simple chemical imbalance no different than a diabetic's imbalance or lack of insulin. 

I hope that this blog will not only help me articulate my experiences and process my journey, but also give readers insight and encouragement regarding mental illness.

To give you a bigger picture on how every one of us is impacted by mental illness, here are some stats: 

13 Shocking Facts That Show How Widespread Mental Illness Is In The U.S.{A Buzzfeed Article}

and finally, I leave you with this...

PREACH IT, MARY! 


Stay healthy and happy, my dears. 

~ Camila